you're gone.
i know.
but you can still hear me. just as i can still you
if only you could see- the bags under my eyes
and the lines where tears have scratched paths into them
my heart- recently blackened -is fighting for the right to keep beating
i've been eating away at my nails in anxiety- they're short and angry

i don't sleep - not that thats new.
but know when i close my eyes i see you
and i feel awful
i don't know if you understand.
i don't suppose you can understand, since i don't either

just... sleep well while you're gone.
safe travels. happy trails.
sweet dreams. forget me! rest easy.
.......eia.......

well, i gave another go at fucking up... think i did better this time! I'm really improving!
You would be so proud, if only you could see me... now....
oh.

oh.

oh man.

Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible,
hurtful behavior. Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek
that leaves us feeling victimized and martyred. Rather it is the
finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present,
free of contamination from the past.
-- Joan Borysenko, Ph.D.

it's obvious that reading How to Conquer Clutter didn't help me much...
the floors of my dwelling are lightly coated with ... "clutter", much like the floor in my mind. hard to find a place to just sit calmly and rest. i'm going to try and get there tho. even if i end up stepping on gma's knitting needle, or a project i should be working on. maybe if i get in- i'll be able to find my way back out.

i think ... yes. love. no. love.

let me just get to the point- i'm tired of waiting
my lips are lonely- they're hungry and awaiting the chance for exercise
my tongue has done nothing but talk away the hours- it's waiting to sing the melodies of your taste
my eyes patiently awaiting to look over your body between long sets of passionate darkness
my hands, waiting to rub any where you'll let them, fingers combing through your hair
and my body- pulsating with desire to be taken, taught what it means to give into the physical state of love

while drifting in and out of sleeping last night i was drifting in and out of the images of you. mostly just the back of your head- thick brown hair soft as anything, and your hands casually running through it. other times i saw your gorgous lips, just calling out to me. other times i saw scenery passing quicky- from a train window. mmm- i cant wait to go there again and see what you have to show me tonight.

you know, i could have stayed in bed today and no one would have noticed. i wasn't needed anywhere, and i certanly could have used the sleep. well, maybe tomorrow i'll plan ahead. maybe for the next week. yeah, maybe.

today was not one of those days

i am left empty and scared by the visions of gmas stuff, stuffed into paper bags and left on the door-step of the poor man's market. here it will all sit, surrounded by cold and soon-to-be wet bags. and even after being brought in, stored, pulled and dumped out, what's worth putting on the cluttered, dusty shelves will be done so with thoughtlessness by employees in their thrift-store vests. people within the 'store' will muddle over her collection with their empty hearted eyes. they'll pick through her pride, and take away her inspirations for pennies a piece. i am disgusted. disapointed in myself even, that i can't save her things. even though i know they aren't what is important, it was her. but i'm still disturbed, at the loss of what she enojoyed.

i am here. quiet and calm. unnoticed and i don't mind. the seconds crawl away as i carelessly attempt to sort out my life. there seem to be things coming from every diretion, all of which turn at the last second to avoid really hitting me. i don't mind. i look forward to nothing but sleeping, or eating. especially dreaming while sleeping. anyways, i don' t mind. becides, i got me. i'm fine. i'm gorgeous. i am fine being alone. i don't mind. unless you want to join me?

it is late, well for today anyway, and as i drip down the stairs and fall upon my pillow i shut my blue/grey eyes from this world. i roll back and forth- i can almost feel your hands smoothing out mine, and your tender touches on the small of my back. i pull out my pony tail and my hair falls gracefully onto the pillow. now i hear your voice whispering like a breeze on a warm august evening, nothing i understand, but it doesn't matter anyhow. i roll onto my back only to be taken by images of your mouth. i memorize your lips. i am mezmorized by them. i could look at them all.... harsh tones cry out, blinding light picks at my eyes, they scream as they slowly peel open. and i realize, you're not here. you're not here.

today is a good day.
the wet, fat, snow flakes trickle down from the clouds
resting on the ground and sides of barns
the trees all look frosted as the frozen drops balance
on each limb
i am moved.. inspired.
this is where i go in my dreams
this is beautiful

MAH POETRY
An Empty Soul

Tears falling from my eyes
Blood pouring from my soul
Nothing to fill this void
Nothing to cover this hole
My heart stops playing its song
My body stops dancing its dance
My world has stopped
I'm in a daze, and in a trance
I don't care about what I am
I don't give about what I could
I just know that everyone hates me
And if they don't, they should
Nothing's going right
It's all going wrong
I don't know what I've done
But for the truth, I long
I don't wanna be here
I don't wanna live
I just wanna die
So please, please, forgive
I am taking my life,
Heart, body, and soul
I have nothing to fill this void
And nothing to cover this hole.